Taking it slow~

Went to Taylor to accompany him, true is boring. I rather be by his side, then sitting at home chatting with him. Since Im so free, why not?

I remember he wanted a cap, and he has performance coming up. I clearly remember he said he had to borrow other peoples cap when he does his beatbox thing.
He always wear smart, and he felt like his not part of the team because he dont wear what normally beatboxcer uses.
Dress code, something like that.
Does it make sense ? (agak-agak lah!)

When I felt bad, and thinking of buying one for him.
Thankfully, he like it . <3
A sense of relief.



Out of a sudden, he ask for my phone. I was shocked, i knew he was watching me whenever i play with my phone. His very sensitive.
At first, i refuse to give cause i thought after awhile he wouldn't bother and leave it alone.
I was wrong again, he took so serious about it. In the end, i give him check my phone.


Before letting him check.


Cam see his face? Damn serious !


Satisfied.

Luckily, nothing inside ! But i've got nothing to hide.

Gosh, missing him so badly. Havent receive any text from him yet.
:(
cant sleep.

Since picture says a thousand words, I want you to see this.



When I say you, you know who you are.

My heart, is so fragile that it could break in a matter of seconds.
Could you stop acting like your the only one that is affected ?
Am I that invisible to you that you couldn't see that Im hurt as well.

Oookay ...
I've been busy lately, of what....
Gonna tell you guys soon enough, for now my mouth is zip...

Ermmm, having semester break now but nothing fancy that my group planied .

I just don't wanna be at home, freaking bored.
I have no pets either like totally quite here.

Any suggestion for this one week, that i could do that could sound fun ?
let me know about it ya ?

All i ever wanted from you, was just able to spend time with you and paying attention more to me.

I have been crying day each, on just hoping with this two things.

Will you do something about it ?
please..

I really want to scream my heart out...
:((

I didn't get to post any yesterday, freaking tired.

Well,well,well.....
I went to see 'him' cause i need help in add math, i was really hoping he could teach me more although not all but nahhh Im satisfied.

I get to meet his girl too, hmmm~
how to say in a nice way....
ermmm .....
Make this short and simple, not my cup of tea. I perhaps~

I did told him before that Im jealous of her girl(before meeting her)..
Sorry, i take it back.
I dont feel anything, watching you guys together makes me smile because it gave me goosebumps. Im not sure whether its fake or real but it gave me goosebumps all the way.

I don't feel the bond, you know ?
Im his ex, of course when i see him with other girl surely get jealous whenever the sweetness appre.
This is totally another way around.
LOL~

I read back all my previous blog a while ago, hmmm... sorry guys make a lot of mistake with the spelling and grammar.
I didn't took it seriously.
:(
I can't edit it through my phone, must be laptop or PC.

Giving up.

I got this from Facebook, it hit me. So, i copied it.

I know, Im a very short - temper person yet very short patience too. One word to describe me, will be unpredictable.

Mmmmm~ celebrated cristen's birthday today. Being with my cousins makes me forget the things that's on going around me.







I could really enjoy my time being with my cousin because Im busy taking care them, each move they make. I have to be aware.

Im weak, it has been a while since Im longing for someone to take are of me. Bossing me around, asking what Im doing and so on.
Mmmmm~

I think i should be to near with 'him', Im worry Im causing troubles to him. I can see in his eyes, he really likes this girl. Therefore, it wont be easy for him to let go of her.
When Im gone, i dont think he realise.
Im gonna take it slow, in the picture i could image that Im not in it.
:)

No matter what, i have to put a smile face on. So, that he would be suspect or notice anything.
Cheers to that !
smile :)))

My aunt was very fishy today, she became a match maker. One word, SPOT ON. Hahaha~ i can't believed she know what type of a guy i like. I didn't even talk to her about it.
After the party, i did put her aside. I asked her why do so. ' Kau punya muka sudah berubah, macam saja sedih. Sudah berapa minggu, untie tengok kau macam tu. Tak kesah siapa orang kau fikir, lupa larh Harh. Auntie boleh suggest kau orang lain. ok ah mui? '
First thing happened to me was, tears drop from my eyes. Haiz~ i've been crying a lot lately.
Its hard. Very hard. :(

Will he really let go of my hand?
I was not convince by his answer late time.
By the way, he hug me was another different story.

When will this end ?
Im weak enough, still need to go through this.

See, as time goes only i decide how.
By what my aunt told me, defiantly lost my hope 78% .

I don't even want to keep pushing him around and asking for hug.

Im sad, really can see through my face. Hard to keep, my mom keep asking what's wrong with me too.
A lot of people say so, it gave me pressure and more sadness .

Bright side and the dark side.

This morning, i had a bad dream about 'him', not very pleasing indeed. He gave me new hope last Wednesday then i almost lost it today. In my dreams, he was letting me go. Which broke my heart in little pieces, all i need was crying, on the spot call him. My second call he pick up, i guess it was 5 or 6 in the morning. My heart was relief when he started to talk, but he fall asleep half way. Hahahahaha~
Its the typical him,it always like that.

He told me that he could meet me today, i quickly change then drive off. The hug he gave was very peaceful to me, i didn't want to tell him cause i don't want to burden him since his sick and having his family issue going on.
I just cried and hug him, it has been such a long time since i heard his heartbeat. The long is was, the faster the heartbeat pumps.

I always turn away, when he touch his phone. Mainly, my reason was Im jealous. It's not always i can spend time with him, one on one. I would apperciate it if he kept it way. On the other hand, i can't complain it is because he have other responsibility to someone else. That's why i keep quite about it.

Nothing goes better then seeing Daniel after so long, he told me it was a year since i last saw him. I don't agree, i surely remember the last time i saw him was when he came down from the staircase, his face was damn angry and keep say to his brother that Im not very welcome.

That was January ! Actually only nine months, i never saw him. How did it became a year ?
LOL !

He grow up so fast, i was shocked to see him. He change a lot, both of them are handsome. Just that, Daniel is tall, dark and a bit fatty. Meanwhile, his big brother is, like the guy who knows how to wear suits. Big boss style ! When he wore casual, his just normal but then you see the face. You will drop. Why ? The longer you look at him, you will realized his handsome as well.

I like guys, who knows how to rock the outfit with suits, my type of guy. HAHAHAHAHA~
I mention it before, you get the picture.

Bitter and sweet roll into one. Good memories.

Im having tummy pain, i hope Im fine. Feel like wanna vomit. Hope nothing major happens.

Special night with special someone, its really different when your around someone you loved so deeply. Without notes the time pass by so fast, with those moment heart fulled with happines & joy. In other words, my heart was like floating in the air.

He ask for yam cha, how in earth could i refuse ?! Without hesitate i agree, i nearly hit a car again cause i was speeding then the car in fornt of me suddenly stop.
I hit my break so hard that could hear the engine sound.

I didn't told him, Im scared i got scold and he start worried.

I was more please with the group that i meet earlier today, rather then the first one. It is because i felt more welcome.
And surprisingly, he paid more attention to me. Which blew me away, when your not expecting anything from him, he'll gave you A+ on what you hope to happened. If not the other way around, that makes me want to hit my hear on the wall.

If i could kiss him from head to toe, i would do it because i was very please with the result. Before this, i argue with him about it and he really took action with it. He deserved a reward.

He started to smoke again, i hope to cure it before its too late. Last time, it took me so hard to cure him. I did it before I'll do it away, no matter what i will do it. Reason is cause Im worried about his health, his a person who love sport, knows how to shape up his body muscle. I don't want it to be wasted.

Getting a hug from him was the awesome part of all, i don't want to let go, but i cant breath. All i can say is, his hug is priceless. It comes me down, i remember what he told me. Sometimes, i just don't show that i'll obey but i do.

Last time was' sudah lah ', now 'enough already '. Hehe~it is still him that i know so well.

I just wanna write what happened today, although Im very sleepy now, i just down wanna forget today.

This time my turn to wait for you.

Im worried.

I had a bad dream about Daniel last night, which i feel very odd that i will dream about Daniel.

In my dream, he was asking for help with a red eyes, non stop crying and his look was very terrified. I couldn't say it in words, but its very pity looking face. I don't know what's what was the reason, i just woke up in terror. At the moment, i realized that i couldn't sleep back. So, i decided to go to the kitchen and have a drink of water.

As Im going down from my bed, i was at the sitting and ready to go down from the staircase because my bed is double decker bed.
I saw a orb, blinking and its in white colour. I was shocked because orb couldn't see by naked eyes, normally can see through picture only.

By the way, orb normally is a spirit. If still don't get it, check it on the dictionary.
The more i got frighten, as i force myself to sleep, all i could think of was Daniel's face. So, the whole day today, i lost my appetite to eat again and kept thinking what should i do.

Daniel is weak in reading, i know that his phone just put anywhere in the house. That's why, i worried that his mother or father will read it. Then, i got to trouble again. The other thing is, the last time i saw him, he was not very please with me. In fact, I was not very welcome. I don't if he has forgiven me or not.

I don't wanna disturb his elder brother, the reason is Im sure that he thought Im just joking around and just want to find a topic so that i could chat with him.

There is a lot of things going through my mind, i not sure whether Im being sarcastic or what. Yet, i can't find any one for me to pass this massage. Find Erwan's gf ? even more odd.

I really dont know what to do, and Im worried sick .....
what should i do ??? Whaaatttt ????!!

Daniel please be safe & sound. Heaven please look after him.
I don't know what to do............
:'(

I found the song already, its Whitney Houston- Run to you.
The lyrics was slightly wrong.
the second stanza should be like this....
But if i run to you~ouuuu
Will you stay or will you run away..
(I guess i know the answer)

Found this song yesterday, til the whole night i never got to sleep. Everyone in college asked me, why am i so moody.
I just kept my head down, because i worry once i started to talk about it again i might cry.

I do hate myself for being such a drama queen, but i can't keep inside my heart either. It just a like boom ready to explode anything it triggers.
I cant hide my emotional side, my whole day & night was destroyed. Totally destroyed by small matter, and i made it very big.

I wonder, do he ever think of me ? like i did ? wondering if his ok, what his conditions are, happening in his life and such on. He didn't even gave me a hope that in future there might be a chance, just a slightly sign that i could see. Totally non, it reminds me that he said 'once its over, i will never go back'.
I dont even dare to ask him.
I guess, just move on. Won't get that chance, just keep going and looking forward to the future that is in fornt of me.

All the things, he gave me before i put in a box where i dont normally see. So that, it wont bothering me. What's left was the blanket that is like tiger print on it but its pink & brown, i use to hug it to sleep. It not my baby pillow that i usually hug to sleep.

Next week, is mid term exam. Im having problem with the business maths, no one that i could find to teach me. :'(

*honest

The boooom .

Today is my little baby's birthday, is all I wanna remember. My cute sunshine is 4 years old now, grew up very fast. I remember i use to take care of her, feed her and dress her up.
Its a mile stone to watch them grow, and getting to know more of her personality.

Yet, another day that i wont look back as a part of life. This is quite personal, you may leave this blog if you wish too.

Sometimes, i have to eat back my own medicine in order to understand the condition and most of all the feelings. I guess this year, is not my best year after all, been through tough times make me stronger. I have to think positive, to me positive is the key.

Teddy bear should show up, if not i would be like this. I want to blame teddy bear but i can't, accepting for what i've done is the best way. Learning it the hard way, is hard the impact was even deeper. I guess I wont give back those things to him already. It is whats left for me, i think Im going to keep it.

I wanted to wait til our feeling was neutral but i failed, i told everything what is inside. I can't turn back, but at least i feel good about it. I didn't expect anything, just hope to be heard my side of the story. It was my most sad day ever and yet most gald.

Today was enough, bordering you was not the part of the plan. I promise it was only for day, you fall asleep at 11.59 a.m. you pick a good time :)
Save the best for last, that 1 minute, i could tell you so much but since you fall asleep. How could i disturbed you ? i did enough already.

I said this blog will never be about you but i still do it. Why ?
I cant even answer my own question. How stupid is that ?

I guess, i can sing the song ' put the blame on me' by you know who. Who sang the song ' lonely '. There is one song which my mom use to always sing, i dont know what was the title or who sang it but the lyrics goes like this..................
I wanna run to you, uhho
I wanna run to you~ouuuu
Will you hold me in your arms
And keep me save from harm
I wanna run to you~ouuuu
uhhhho
And if i run to you~ouuuu
Will you keep me save from harm~ouu

After that, i don't remember. Its like Im in that situation right now.
Mmmmm~ who do i turn to now ?
:(

I said in the previous blog before this that , finger cross that i wouldn't talk anything about it. (the ring)



I didn't stick to my promise, i felt like a niddle was put through my heart. It hurts, really bad ..
How long is this gonna be? can it be undone ? the feeling is so bad like wanna jump from the highest building.

I wish, I wiiisshhh that i never opened a Facebook account. Where it all begin.

Belle, put your shit together and shut the f**k up. You can stand alone and you will rise again. This feeling wont happen again. Its not the end of the world.