Dad finally came back yesterday, i knew he'll reach here at night.

Mom can't see him face to face with him alone, so instead of she stay at home til dad reach. She rather follow me to church and talk to dad man to man when im around.

Start from 11 pm until 6 am, they argue while mom went paranoid "as always " break things. When i wanna go to bed i pass by the kitchen and i saw with my every own eyes.

She throw the radio and it broke to pieces. I got fu*king angry. I scream at her and dad, whatever went in to my mind i say it out. No second thoughts.

After saying it, my dad was the first one to hug me and cool me down while mom was in shocked at the corner. When i cooled down, i just enter my room and try to sleep but can't.

I can hear them properly because my room is near the kitchen. I tried to contact 'my man' but failed. Each time the times that i truly him for moral support. Got good excuse or situation that can't even put aside just for me.
Its not everytime that it happen to me like this.
Therefore, when each time i need moral support, always always always got excuse. May I say it loud and clear ? EACH TIME.

And, guess what ? The next day 'my man' never asked me a single thing, til i have to called him for 20-30 times. I guess so.

I slept with uneasy heart hoping that i wont die in sleep.

OK !
Carry on ~
The next day, mom told me after i went to my room, dad cried terrible bad and mom got paranoid again until she simply cut her hair. Her hair cut like boy cut and its very obvious that its not professionally done and behind got few long hair.

-I just post a picture soon.

My day was very close to be a nightmare, just because of a boy that is half of my age.

Clearly, i have no rights to slap him or what-so-ever but in the end of the day. I won this battle.

This kido seriously not match for me YET ..

Come to know his smart, aaaarggghhhh ~
he can open the door without a sound even walk without a sound.

My feeling was 'there someone behind', as i turn back "boom shakalaka".......................

Holding the cola bottle like wanna crush it to small pieces and his face was from wondering what his elder brother doing to WTF am i doing there.

Then, i was in panic like a mice wondering where can i hide.
Freaking short notice when he show up.


One thing is for sure, it was my mistake to pull into the fight last time. I didn't have to play dirty if "that person" told me the truth. I can't blame him if he dislike me after that incidence.

Crazy and hot temperd like me, also have soft side. My action is base on how you treat me, that's all.

Im gonna show this kid who's the bos either way im still older then him.

I don't know why am i so confuse with this feeling ?!

To whom can i ask ?

Or maybe just ignore this feeling ?

haiya ....
C O N F U S E .

Family matter.

I having family issue at the moment, a lot of things in going through my mind.

I got no place to find peace, and certainly no one to talk to.

Im really going nuts since this morning. Mom really wants to leave Malaysia and start all over again in Canada.
I was in shock when Im at the embassy because i thought it was a joke.
I was not prepared for the interview either.

Im going through hell now, since i cant talk to anyone. I leave my worries to my Lord.

I think i will spend my money with make-up's again this month. Hayayai ~ hard to control.

Im truly ready to leave this place, Im going forward with my life and i have no regrets. This time Im 100% sure.

I wont be crying for no reason anymore. And i wont let the memories in the past to hunt me down.
I leave each moment, i've been through as a normal human being will come across.

High school lover will never last long, and it's just the beginning. More to come.

What i've seen today is enough, i will be the person to step down in this situation.
I apologies for what i did for last few days that made you confused.

I thought i gave you motivation to move on and i was wrong.
I wont be interfere again.

Cross my heart !

After so long, i thought i will never rise up again but today was amazing for me. Because the pain that i use to feel has lift off from my shoulder.

Im very happy today.

#belle, stay positive ! There are more fish in the ocean. You can do it.

Oh, before i go to be although i know it's morning. (insomnia)
Thank you so so so very much for the response that i received from you guys. It meant a lot to me.
I will reply your question soon.
Mucksss ...
Fly kiss to you all readers =*

Im very bored lately, my insomnia getting worst and worst. At 6 am Im still awake trying to sleep then i will wake up 3 pm.

My head feel so heavy when i woke up like drink too much beer and the next day the dizziness still there .

Dad promise me a lot of things and not even one out of all is promise nothing is fullied.

Damn !!!!!!!

By the time he reach home, if nothing change. Im going to find job !

Im tired being a pig in the house, nothing to do !!

Eat then sleep, oh! And watch tv whole day. Mom doing the cleaning lately.

My aunt visited my new place few days ago, Im not surprise either cause they have always been the first people who check the place out.
I miss lopan, he is always the one i play with when Im boring. Im also worried because he has no food. I can't find a person to trust to take care of him while Im far away.

Im sorry.

Im sorry because i haven't write for a long time. Even though i have time, i don't know what to write about.

Each time i post a blog, its truly from the heart. So, here i am i again...."as always".

As i look back in my past years, being a teenager. Always in a relationship, never was too long being single.

Well, sometimes when Im in a relationship and things turn bad. I would tell myself,' how nice if i was still single?"
Then, when Im single. I would sometimes say ' how nice if i could have a sweet boyfriend?'

Would you feel like that sometimes ? Or just me? i would love to know your opinion.

I can honestly say, when Im in a relationship. I always do my best, because i remember what my mother use to tell me, "help people when they need you cause you never know when you need their help in return."

Although my mother has been look as an bad apple for years and sadly to mention til now still is. She might look angry all the time but when in comes to relatives who are trouble with money or being hospitalized or even having troubles with family problem. She has been there helping and caring. She do what she can in her own capability in every situation.

But....... When she needs them, they were lost and out of sight. All you could see is darkness.

Yes, that's what i did with my all the ex's i been through. Ok, below 13 years old don't. I wasn't like that, i was a kid ! of course, i was a play girl til someone did the same way to me and i realize the pain.

Back to what i was saying, i been there each step of the way. Like being thier back bone even though i was being cheat, being plaied , being someone doll, and being use cause not on purpose.

Don't see me like a perfect person, cause Im not at all.
Sometimes is better to act stupid(even though not), just to see who was there for you and teaching you contiuneuastly.

I lost a friend who is very dearest person to me, cause of 'personal issue' ...
Gossip hurts, i put the past behind me and acting like nothing gone wrong before but trust is no longer there anymore.

Im sorry, if i did something bad or say something bad before this. Whatever it is that maybe still kept in your heart that i don't know. Still Im sorry...

I lost a lover that i thought was my soulmate, who start my problems with my dear friend and who took advantage of me and still keep telling me that he was not on purpose and it took him a year to realize it. The painful part was not there to protect me, this one is what i can't forgive. Protect is every girl needs, have you watch spider man, bat man even super man save thier lover from bad people in the movies.

When they just touch a hair of thier girl, the super hero's goes crazy and fight like hell.

Get what i mean ? Im honestly hurt, just think about it makes me cry. Infect, i am crying.
Im sorry if i was not perfect for you, maybe whatever i done to you in the past was not enough. Im sorry.. Okay?

Readers, please do tell me. Is that easy to forget and forgive? and would a agree to be couple once again ?

After so long, its hard not to think about this two but whenever i do so. I cried so bad and the pain kills me till i can't forget.

Maybe this issue is just a small matter and can change after few years.

Im sorry if think is..... A small issue but i can tell you this. Everyone has thier own limits and here is mine. And yes, after few years this will fade away but relation between us will never be the same again.

Im having insomnia right now. I can't sleep at all and guess what time is it ? 4.40 am ...

Im in bad condition, seriously i need help. I don't want to have dark circle or pimples.
SOS !!!

So, guess what i've been doing since 11pm. On YouTube listening to song and tutorial videos. And i come crossing this band named Big Bang. I know they been famous long time ago but i guess notice them when thier were on the show Running men. It was hilariously funny, i cant wait for part 2.

I know that their back in the music industry. Obviously, since all of them have complete thier 2years in the military.

Out of five of them, the one that stands out for me is this two.






They have amazing talent. So, check them out in thier new song called ' Boom Sha kalaka '. Awesome song indeed !

I don't know why, i like boys that have an bad boy image but just image, personality must be great not prefect but each thing that should have in a man.

I nice if i could get a bf that has a bad boy image but a soft hearted personality and only sticks with one girl only.

Im really having a daydream right now ! >_<

Oooh, well.... I don't know what time i'll be sleeping....

Family problem.

Everyone has their own family problems right ?
It might be marries , money , sickness , attitude , not understanding, and all sorth of things in life.

Sometimes peolpe use it as excuse when they did mistakes, this show for sympathy "indirect" .
Why don't just admit that your wrong ? If people scolded you, why don't just accept it? Then, everything is done. No long story, no breaking things, no shouting with one another.

I does not mean, when i don't talk about family problems means i don't have it any of it. I just refuse to say it and even keep away from any of this topic because the story always tells the same things. Unless, it is too much til i need to talk with someone about it.

The only solution is either one have to change.
Its very seldom to hear people without family issue.
How lucky thier are. Haiz~

Dad going to Jakarta later at 4 am, come back end of the month.

My first plan was going to college in July cuase i want to follow dad go Germany but postpone. So, plan B was to take in April but apparently it didn't happened either cause the head of Per-university says that allot of catching up to do. I can't do that cause in my capability is not that high so went back to the first plan. Intake in July. Few months to enjoy but im very bored already. I've been thinking of working but im worried i might not be able to go church. My priority anyways and i take it seriously.

Going on a holiday, doesn't work too. I just dont know what to do now.
Any suggestions for me ?

I receive an email from someone that says post more picture of my room. I will get to it in future cause im not done yet. Sorry, but i promise.

My favorite week of the day, will be Monday because my favorite shows are all in the same day. First is Merlin session 4, i watch finish already but sometimes i watch it again. And two brand new show which is Smash and Suits.

Details .
Smash - is about Broadways. How to survive and about backstage.

Suits - is about a guy who is a greatest lawyer in New York,who didn't go to law school.

All this are in Diva channel, if your interested watch it. :)

Now days i also watch Star king and Running men. Both are in Korean channel so funny it enlighten my day. Oh, and also a show called "next k-pop star " . They are nice.

There are two thing that i want so badly right now. But still haven't get it cause of financial problem. 1-iron hair and a pair of red heels which caught my eye for the last 2 months. I hope they still have it.
T_T

Heaven, drop me some money pretty please .... ?
T.T